It has taken me a few days to post...just trying to deal with the feelings regarding how things have turned out.

When Alina left on Thursday, November 5th, we were all rather emotional. We were still feeling this way throughout the weekend. I believe it was Monday, November 9th that we had a call from Yuri but I was unable to talk at length with him then. I told him I would be free early evening and he said he would call back. Of course, our schedule was utterly obliterated with kid's and neighbor's last minute problems. Yuri left a message. I called back, left a message apologizing and mentioned that I could talk Tuesday or Wednesday evening. He emailed and stated that this was urgent and he would call Tuesday, November 10th in the morning. Yuri did call Tuesday morning asking what our thoughts and feelings were concerning Alina. He said that we should understand that their main goal was to find a home for Alina. I told him that she was on our minds and in our hearts constantly and we were trying to decide if adoption into our family was: #1 best for Alina and #2 best for us. I asked if she even wanted to be adopted by our family? Yuri said it was unethical to ask - "don't want to get her hopes up. You understand?" And then, "If she doesn't love you back, are you still committed to a long-term relationship with her?" I stated that we wanted a bit more time to be sure it is best for everyone. He said that "they" (I assume Yuri and Vern) think that having her in our home for almost 3 weeks should have been plenty of time for that. "It is privilege to have these kids here - most people have blind adoption." I'm thinking, "So? That was their choice. Our choice was to host first. But does that mean we are to now adopt her, take her away from all that is familiar, force her into our family all with no regard to how she feels about it? And you say it is unethical to ask her if she would be interested...? Is this how you thought and felt about a future spouse...Would you force her into the relationship and then commit to stay married to her if she didn't love you back...?" I expressed that we do love her but we didn't want to make a decision either way because of our extreme emotions at the time. He told me again that their main concern is finding a family for her. "In fact, there are 3 or 4 families right now that are interested." Good Grief! Vern told us that on Halloween, too. Talk about pressure! But when both were directly questioned if others had asked about Alina specifically, they both said "no..." I felt my heart constrict and my mouth go dry. I asked if we could have any time at all to talk and pray further. He responded that he and Vern wanted to put a packet together right then of the children that were not going to be adopted and everyone was completed except Alina. He said that he could give us one day, "through Wednesday...Thursday morning at latest". In the back of my mind, I'm screaming, "Was almost 3 weeks enough time for you guys to date and make the long-term decision of whom to marry? Was almost 3 weeks enough time for you guys to make the long-term decision to begin your family?"

In tears, I called Paul and told him about the phone call. I could tell he immediately went tense. You have to understand something; Paul has never liked being pushed into decisions (about anything!). That is how Paul is. You know, not everyone, including some females, can instantaneously jump off that cliff. (It doesn't mean they don't have faith - they just are more conservative and careful). Anyway, I asked Paul if he would think about it during the day and we could talk and pray, again, about it that night. He said that would be ok. When he got home, of course, all sorts of issues came about and when I asked if we were going to talk about Alina, he seemed closed. I didn't push it, knowing that if I did push it, Paul would bolt. Wednesday came and went with tension building and on Thursday morning Yuri left a message. I called Paul but he was in a meeting. I left a message that Yuri had called and they really needed an answer. I got a tense message back from Paul later that day that he had left a message for Vern to call back and he'ld go from there.

I still do not know exactly how the conversation went between Vern and Paul, however, apparently Paul told him we could not do it at this time, but, we would like to keep in touch with her, if possible. My heart was broken in a million pieces. Everything, everything was pointing to making it work. I know that Paul made the decision he did because he was pushed - made to feel that it didn't really matter who Alina went with, as long as she went somewhere. Our family didn't need the time to decide if we loved Alina or not - that was easy. I know Paul needed the time as he wanted to make sure that all the ducks were in a row before we got Alina's hopes up. We love her - why would we want to hurt her? Alina is a child of God - not a comodity. Heavenly Father loves her and has a plan for her. We deeply desired to know if we were part of that plan. But...

It was becoming crystal clear to me (and possibly Paul) that this is a business - like buying a house, furniture/appliances or a car. "Got to hurry - others are interested and they want to close the deal today..." or "I could give you only an hour because this is the last model and another couple really, really wants it..." I guess somebody has to make their commission; their quota for the month.

How can our Father in Heaven guide if man puts man's time frame on His work or a time limit, in this case? What about His time frame? What about His plan? Maybe our part of "His plan" is finished but maybe not...how will we ever know, now?

It's hard to type very well through tears...I might post more later if I can collect myself. It sounds harsh, but realize this hurts and I am venting!